The doorbell rang.
I’d just returned from Boston and almost didn’t have the energy to answer it but I dragged myself up off the couch in case it was Total Wine with an emergency delivery. No such luck. It was 2022 was standing there in an Untuckit shirt, a new pair of Levi’s and some sweet Air Jordans.
“You’re early,” I said, “but this is an improvement over last year. No third-hand Nike sweatsuit with ketchup stains and untied Keds like when 2021 showed up last year and a major upgrade from 2020 which we needn’t discuss.”
“Yeah, I’ve been trying harder. I’ve been practicing getting out of the house instead of just watching the new seasons of Yellowstone and White Lotus,” 2022 said.
“You mean you binge watched them both and then with nothing else looking good, you decided to pack it in a couple days early,” I asked. “And what about the Glass Onion?”
2022 looked sheepishly around at the ground and before finally looking me in the eye. “Well, yeah. I downloaded the Glass Onion to my Iphone for the trip. I just want to get out of here before Covid blows through again.”
“You know you’re in Florida, right?” I asked. “We don’t have Covid in Florida. We have Ivermectin on tap and Doctor Frankenstein’s lab assistant Igor as our Surgeon General.”
“Yeah, I won’t mind leaving them behind,” sighed 2022.
“Well, all right, I’ve got to make room for 2023 anyhow,” I said. “The next year’s looking like a potential upgrade from you except for the maybe, likely, or definitely happening recession; the impending or never gonna happen DeSantis/Trump smackdown and the Elon Musk meltdown. But like with everything else, we’ll see.”
“I chartered a one-way bus for you and your friends. It’s out back now, an old Peter Pan special. Here’s the seating plan.”
“In first class we’ve got Anthony Fauci who got on all by himself. Knowing when to go is the sign of a real genius. Serena, Roger and Lionel are sitting with him. Across the way are Queen Elizabeth Sidney Poitier and Hilary Mantel. I reserved seats for Joe Biden, Tom Brady and Raphael Nadal but it looks like they’re not quite ready to pack it in.
“Behind the curtain, we go straight to third class: Herschel Walker, Dr. Oz, Kari Lake, Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon, Rudi Guilliani, Kimberly Guilfoyle and the rest of the boys in the band. I’d like to put Hunter Biden back there but the Republicans aren’t done with him yet. We’ve got room for some more of these stinkers but it looks like some of them will be around in 2023 too.”
Why’s that cattle trailer hooked on the back of the bus,” 2022 asked.
“Oh yeah,“ I replied. “That’s for the bottom feeders. We’ve got the Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers, Sam Bankman-Fried, Ye, Elizabeth Holmes, Alex Jones, Harvey Weinstein and the ‘My Pillow’ guy. I saved a spot for Kevin McCarthy but he’s not ready to go yet either. I’ve got to tell you, the cattle weren’t very happy about sharing space with them.”
“Well, I feel for the cattle,” said 2022. “By the way, I met 2023 on my way here. He thinks it’s going to be a hell of year.”