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Making a list, checking it twice...

So many gifts to arrange, so little time. Let me know if you want to go in on any of these gems!


For Ron DeSantis, a souvenir map of Iowa’s counties to hang on the wall of his Tallahassee office until he’s term-limited out in 2026

For Vivek Ramswamy, free dental care for life

For Nicky Haley, a sharpener for those six-inch heels

For Chris Christie, a louder microphone


For Donald Trump, the phone number of Morgan & Morgan

For Melania Trump, a place to wear all the Chanel outside of Mar a Lago

For Rudy Giuliani, the addition of psychiatric care to Medicare benefits

For Joe Biden, a long and healthy life, preferably in Delaware

For Hunter Biden, the grace to do the right thing, for once, whatever that is


For Claudine Gay, Sally Kornbluth, Elizabeth Magill and the rest of the ivy league, a hand mirror with which to practice any future testimony.

For Christian Ziegler, Florida’s morally compromised state GOP chair, a braille copy of the Ten Commandments

For Bridget Ziegler, our morally compromised founder of Moms for Liberty, the grace to just go away

For Sarasota residents who complain about the unending development, a primer on how the state of Florida pays for things


For price-weary food shoppers, a bag of dirt, some tomato seeds and a laying hen

For everyone who works from home, a room with a door that closes

For everyone who lives with someone who works from home, a room with a door that closes

For gas-price cursing drivers of hulking Ford F250 trucks racing to the next red light, a plug-in Prius with a mount on the roof for the Trump 2024 flag


For all golfers everywhere, sand traps that spit the ball back out onto the fairway

For golfers on any Donald Ross course, greens that hold the ball

For Elon Musk, a functioning mute button

For the Supreme Court, a map to guide them out of the Dark Ages

For Vladmir Putin, a needle prick from one of his favorite toxins


For Ken Paxton, Texas’ MAGA attorney general, a uterus

For all women, a long memory and a voter registration card

For all book groups, a cap on page count and a moratorium on WWII sagas

For Cape Cod, a couple new bridges with toll gates to pay for all the sewer work that’s on the horizon


And to all of you readers, a happy and healthy Christmas and New Year celebration. Just don’t watch the news all week and you should be fine.





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