So many gifts to arrange, so little time. Let me know if you want to go in on any of these gems!
For Ron DeSantis, a souvenir map of Iowa’s counties to hang on the wall of his Tallahassee office until he’s term-limited out in 2026
For Vivek Ramswamy, free dental care for life
For Nicky Haley, a sharpener for those six-inch heels
For Chris Christie, a louder microphone
For Donald Trump, the phone number of Morgan & Morgan
For Melania Trump, a place to wear all the Chanel outside of Mar a Lago
For Rudy Giuliani, the addition of psychiatric care to Medicare benefits
For Joe Biden, a long and healthy life, preferably in Delaware
For Hunter Biden, the grace to do the right thing, for once, whatever that is
For Claudine Gay, Sally Kornbluth, Elizabeth Magill and the rest of the ivy league, a hand mirror with which to practice any future testimony.
For Christian Ziegler, Florida’s morally compromised state GOP chair, a braille copy of the Ten Commandments
For Bridget Ziegler, our morally compromised founder of Moms for Liberty, the grace to just go away
For Sarasota residents who complain about the unending development, a primer on how the state of Florida pays for things
For price-weary food shoppers, a bag of dirt, some tomato seeds and a laying hen
For everyone who works from home, a room with a door that closes
For everyone who lives with someone who works from home, a room with a door that closes
For gas-price cursing drivers of hulking Ford F250 trucks racing to the next red light, a plug-in Prius with a mount on the roof for the Trump 2024 flag
For all golfers everywhere, sand traps that spit the ball back out onto the fairway
For golfers on any Donald Ross course, greens that hold the ball
For Elon Musk, a functioning mute button
For the Supreme Court, a map to guide them out of the Dark Ages
For Vladmir Putin, a needle prick from one of his favorite toxins
For Ken Paxton, Texas’ MAGA attorney general, a uterus
For all women, a long memory and a voter registration card
For all book groups, a cap on page count and a moratorium on WWII sagas
For Cape Cod, a couple new bridges with toll gates to pay for all the sewer work that’s on the horizon
And to all of you readers, a happy and healthy Christmas and New Year celebration. Just don’t watch the news all week and you should be fine.
