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Every Day a New Adventure

Some days, I can’t think of a thing to write. Then there’s today.

Reader, you are SOOOOOO lucky. On April 9, 2022 you can attend the Tulips & Topiaries event in Naples, Florida. This is an incredible opportunity to have tea with very special guest Melania Trump, Former First Lady of the United States (and technically, according to a close relative, still the REAL First Lady).

Amid a “lush and elaborate” floral garden (which will include tulips and topiaries and more), you will be able to enjoy “delicious hors d’oeuvres alongside tea and bubbles.” Apparently, according to the brochure, this event will benefit “Fostering the Future” which is a Be Best Initiative.

Reader, I know you have questions, and I am here to answer them for you.

Ok, I’m game, how much?

If you want to go by yourself and see Melania with binoculars, it’s $3,000. Plus a $75 service fee. Plus 4% fee ($120) to use your credit card (which is the only way you can buy this ticket). So $3,195. If you want to be a big dog and get a luxury table for ten somewhat close to Melania it will be $50,000, plus a $1,250 service fee and the previously mentioned 4% ($2,000)—so $53,250.

Exactly when and where will Tulips & Topiaries be held?

We’re not telling. Somewhere, approximately 15 minutes from downtown Naples, Florida and sometime Saturday, April 9, 2022 in the afternoon/evening. We’ll let you know when we feel like it.

Will I get to meet Melania?

Maybe. But you’ll need to ante up for this. “Options will be available at the event to upgrade to a Meet and Greet opportunity with Mrs. Melania Trump.” You understand “upgrade”, right?

Could I maybe volunteer and do this for less money?

Er, no. But the organizers “appreciate your interest and look forward to seeing you at the event.”

What’s the dress code?

Smart spring casual, preferably nothing costing less than your ticket, not counting diamonds.

Can I get a selfie with Melania?

Absolutely not! In fact, your cell phone will be confiscated as you enter. According to the brochure, “the USSS will have a checkpoint set up to collect your phone at entry.” You get it back when Melania leaves. The USSS refers to the United States Secret Service and Phone Check Agency. You will not have to pay to check your phone since you have already done that by funding the USSS through your tax dollars.

Yikes! What else do I need to know?

Read the fine print! After you fork over your credit card, you will be subject to a background check by the USSS.

Well, I think I’m ok, but if the USSS won’t approve me, I get a refund, right?

No, no, no! All sales are final!

Well, at least my purchase is tax deductible and going to a charitable cause, right?

Where, in any of this brochure do you see the words 501(c) 3? Neither “Be Best” nor “Fostering the Future” are chartered as charities in Florida. So, at this point, should you choose to go, you’ll definitely be supporting the Trump family’s biggest charity: themselves.

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