I read a great story this morning about how other cultures take all the problems of the past year, stuff them into an effigy and then burn the whole thing to close out the year. Who says we can’t learn from other cultures?
I have a lot to get rid of now that 2021 is almost complete. I’ll have to save some space for stupid stuff that happens tomorrow since this is Florida, you know. [Geez, just yesterday there was a story about a cleaning guy who stuck his hand into the tiger cage at the Naples Zoo. No longer his hand. You can’t make this stuff up.]
First, I’ve got to find a suitable effigy. I’ve got nothing in the house even remotely large enough for the task at hand. However, I heard the good ship Ever Given was looking for a new home after its misadventure in the Suez Canal. It might have just enough cargo space for all the stupid, frustrating and generally vexing stuff I’m willing to jettison. I’ve decided to re-christen it the Never Again. I’ve programmed in a course for the Bermuda Triangle where the captain will detonate it—so if you see some smoke on the horizon….
All that’s left is to load it up. Proper lading requires that the heaviest and densest freight goes in the deepest part of the hold. I guess that means that all the January 6 rioters go in first. All of them. Even the ones that said they didn’t really mean it. Yes, this will wipe out most of Florida but we all have to make sacrifices. When they are all tamped down, we can march in …
The Politicians. In the interest of fairness and in an attempt to avoid having my house firebombed, I have picked some of the most divisive from each party (those parties being the My Rights! Party and the I Know What’s Best for You! Party). The list is not yet complete but I think it’s safe to say that the House Maga Conference and the Squad are included. I thought there should also be an age requirement so every politician over 80 is included, even 88 year old Charles Grassley who is, of course, running for re-election in 2022. You might think I’m missing a few, but those are…
The Charlatans and Shape Shifters. It used to be that you would find these people only on very late night TV or the One America Network but recently, they’ve been showing up around Washington D.C. I set some traps baited with election fraud lies and peanut butter and managed to round up Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Mark Meadows, My Pillow Guy, Roger Stone, Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon, Eric Trump, Ivana Trump’s husband what’s his name and Mark Meadows. Eric especially loved the peanut butter. The QAnon guy with the horns asked to be moved to this group instead of being lumped in with the rioters. After I secured this crowd, I was able to go get…
The Anti-Vaxxers. Not the people who legitimately can’t take the vaccine but the charter members of the MY RIGHTS! Party who insist on helping to spread Covid into every corner of the world, and then want all the ICU beds when the horse de-wormer doesn’t work. These people are too depressing for words, especially the words I’d like to use, so I guess it’s time for…
The Governors who want to be President. Yes, our very own Ron “DeSatan” DeSantis who has abolished Covid in Florida. Florida reports Covid numbers on every fourth leap year, allows workers fired for refusing to vaccinate to collect unemployment insurance, encourages police officers who don’t want to vaccinate to move to Florida, and refuses to encourage vaccination at all. He is on board with the horse de-wormer, though. And let’s not forget to pack Greg Abbott of Texas, Mr. How Far Off the Right End of the Spectrum is it Possible To Go. I guess he isn’t up on the story of the lemmings, but then again, he is from a state that elected Ted Cruz to the Senate, twice.
Do you remember Ron Popiel and his “But wait, there’s more!” line as he shilled his Veg-o-matic? Well, yes, wait, there’s more to load up from 2021.
Covid (Alpha, Beta, Delta, Omicron and the rest of the boys in the band)
The Greek Alphabet
Ghislaine (how do you pronounce that?) Maxwell
Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos)
Gender neutral pronouns
The Royal Family (any royal family)
The Olympics in Bejing
Toilet paper shortages
Ah, so many things to jettison, so little time. I know what you’re thinking now. You want to know about the Orange One, right? Why isn’t he on the list? How could I leave him off? Well, I needed a Captain for the Never Again, one who could be counted on to steer the boat directly into a maelstrom with absolutely no idea of how to get out and press the destruct button on cue. He was eager to take the job. I promised him a Captain’s uniform with more gold braid than Kim Jong-un, more medals than Audie Murphy and a duet with Kanye West. He’s up on the bridge now, blowing his horn.
It’s time to strap in for 2022. Let’s hope it’s better than 2021. Even a little bit better will be ok.